I'd Like to Stay Awhile

I have bad health problems.

I don't think it's because I'm fat, but rather the other way around.

I have an unnamed, undesignated autoimmune disease that has caused all kinds of fun symptoms from anisocoria to extreme fatigue to dizziness to joint degeneration to headaches to muscle pain and now most recently to inflamed eyes and vision loss.

I have a leaky heart valve and an arrhythmia.

They found over twenty tumors in my breasts back in February, and though thank god they weren't cancerous, they are a concern. My mother has/had breast cancer which spread to her lymphatic system, was diagnosed fairly young, and they want to remove my breasts.

I am in pain every single day, some days to where I don't know how to get through.

Just now I had a bout of arrhythmia which was really hard to shock myself out of and back into rhythm. (I did, of course, before passing out or needing an ambulance, etc.) But it scared me.

I want to stay here.

Even if it means more pain. I don't want to go.

I don't want to leave my son, I don't want to cease to exist. I want more fun, more adventure, more heartache and joy.

And I want you to know I love you so much.

if you pray, please remember me there. if you want to send me hope or good vibes or love, I'd gratefully accept that, too.

I'm trying not to be TOO scared, though some fear is natural.

I'm trying.

Comments

I Deserve a Cookie. Wait.

A haiku: Two days gluten free. I dream of breakfast pastries; Do donuts miss me? Honestly, it hasn't been that bad. I have actually made it through 48 hours without gluten, and if you think that sounds simple, that just tells me (1) you're allowed to have it and (2) you've never tried cutting it as a lifestyle. We started out bad (well, "bad") as the weekend came to an end, deciding to go ahead and have a "cheat" day on Sunday. Shasta D Zasta and I both had the day off from work, allowing us to go to the grocery store for veggies to prep food again. "Cheating" in this case meant spending money to eat outside of our home, rather than eating unhealthy food, though the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive concepts. I had not yet had even one full day of cutting gluten, and the boys were going on about Steak N Shake or Firehouse Subs, and I knew they were going to eat there. There was no way I was going to sit and watch ...

Off the Veggie Cart and Into the Mud (Pie)

Ooooookay. So for two days, I've been immaculate. Low calories. Lots of freshly juiced veggies and fruit. No soda. A veritable river of fresh water imbibed. And then tonight after picking Son up from his show, we drove through Jack in the Box. And I ordered ten of everything they ever thought about making, and also two Monster tacos, and what's that? Now you have Reese's peanut butter dream pie? Sure, no prob, I'll just wash that down with ALL OF THE COKE YOU HAVE IN THAT MACHINE. I shit you not. (fighting... urge... to make... joke about shit... after eating all that... k. I'm good.) So yeah. I'm super disappointed and frustrated. What the hell is wrong with me? I didn't even feel deprived while I was doing the "right" things, so it isn't that, I don't think. Stress, maybe, about the flight I have to catch in five hours. Travel is stressful, and this time in particular is worse, since I'll have to see my mother. ...

What Do They Say is Paved With Good Intentions, Again?

DAY ONE. I am 5'8. I weigh 218 lbs. I am considered obese. I see pictures of myself seated and I am horrified. I am nice and funny and reasonably smart... and fat. Having spent all of my youth underweight and struggling to keep fat on my bones, I now can't shake it. Bizarrely, I still think of myself as fairly thin or average, and when I see these photos, I am shocked and dismayed. I despair at the cute clothes staring at me from my closet, clothes that no longer fit me. It's a long road, and I know, I know, I know that I have to think of these changes as a lifestyle rather than focusing on it as a weight loss project. Sure. Fine. Sign me up for a new healthy lifestyle, but can we get to the part where I feel cute in little dresses again? Hold on. I'm going to call my son in here and ask him to take my picture. I'm currently slumped over my laptop on a bed, with a gross tshirt on, my hair ends coated in conditioner, greasy-faced and de...

Superbunny Wins Again!

Search This Blog