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I'd Like to Stay Awhile

I have bad health problems.

I don't think it's because I'm fat, but rather the other way around.

I have an unnamed, undesignated autoimmune disease that has caused all kinds of fun symptoms from anisocoria to extreme fatigue to dizziness to joint degeneration to headaches to muscle pain and now most recently to inflamed eyes and vision loss.

I have a leaky heart valve and an arrhythmia.

They found over twenty tumors in my breasts back in February, and though thank god they weren't cancerous, they are a concern.  My mother has/had breast cancer which spread to her lymphatic system, was diagnosed fairly young, and they want to remove my breasts.

I am in pain every single day, some days to where I don't know how to get through.

Just now I had a bout of arrhythmia which was really hard to shock myself out of and back into rhythm.  (I did, of course, before passing out or needing an ambulance, etc.)  But it scared me.

I want to stay here.

Even if it means more pain.  I don't want to go.

I don't want to leave my son, I don't want to cease to exist.  I want more fun, more adventure, more heartache and joy.

And I want you to know I love you so much.

if you pray, please remember me there.  if you want to send me hope or good vibes or love, I'd gratefully accept that, too.

I'm trying not to be TOO scared, though some fear is natural.

I'm trying.

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