Downhill.
Everything has gotten worse since last I posted, I'm sorry to report. I've been really sick, missing a lot of work, which hits hard financially, and also had a sexual assault by a friend who was staying with us temporarily since he moved out here from Texas. I've been handling that okay, I think, but the stress of it and all the emotions gave me an ulcer and can't be helping the other things. I'm coming up on the anniversary of the worst times in my life, the hospital last year, my cousin's suicide, etc, on top of the yearly Seasonal Affective Depression. Holy shit. I feel maxed out in every way and out of reserves. I can't say I have ever felt this low and run down. It's like I'm playing a really hard video game and all my health/power bars are down to almost nothing. Really. To Nothing.
So I have decided to concentrate as hard as I can and play this game to win, without distraction.
I am taking time off work, because if I don't, I will lose my job when I inevitably break down or have to miss more work due to illness. The busiest time of year for my business is coming up in a couple of months, and I won't make it if I don't fix this. Well... it's unlikely to get fixed in a short time, but to pull out of the downward trend and build up -some- kind of resistance for my immune system.
I'm starting a 30 day schedule for myself tomorrow which is my idea of a health restorer. No gluten, plenty of sleep, exercise, plenty of sleep, plenty of sleep, and plenty of sleep. Meditation, avoiding the public (for immune system reasons), reading. Just a good, healthy rest.
I really have no clue if it will work, but I have DECIDED it will help. I am going to log my process here, and I realistically understand that I might still get sick, and that it could temporarily throw my plans out the window. I will roll with it. I will roll with it. At least I won't be stressed about work and missing work and letting people down and worrying if they believe me or are mad at me or ... infinity.
I know in my heart that I am headed for a very bad place. I feel tired in a way I never have, despite the times I was homeless or hopeless or sick or struggling financially or dealing with abuse or dealing with assault or cut off from friends or post-breakup. This feels like the culmination of all of them. I am sort of grateful that I'm not fully suicidal, like I imagine most people might be in my (longterm) situation, and I haven't wanted to do anything self-destructive. Rather, I'm wanting to be constructive while I still have any ability left to do so.
Let's bite off 30 days and start there.
Today I slept until I woke up, even though I was kinda sad it was later than I wanted it to be. I cooked healthy food for the day. Christmas will make things a little bit of a struggle, but I'm going to roll with it. roll with it. roll with it. My new mantra.
I have no idea how I'm going to afford this. But I do know if I don't do it, I'm going to be debilitated or dead. I'm on that line.
I'm 230 lbs (I don't have a typical weight, because until I was 30, I stayed about 140, and it's just gone up and down since then, with the highest before now being 200 and then back down). Long term prednisone use for my lungs has caused me to pack on weight and destroy my immune system's ability to fight off common illness, on top of the pain and scarier symptoms that just come on randomly from my autoimmune stuff. I'm sad all the time, I feel lonely, I don't want anyone to look at me because I feel sad/sick/old/fat. I withdraw and don't try to make friends here. It's affecting my work.
I can't totally fix this, because it's out of my hands. But I'm going to grab the parts I can control and give my body the best shot it can have. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. But this journal is here for me to record my attempts, successes, and failures. It's here to dump my feelings. I'm determined.
Day 30 (as a countdown) starts tomorrow, and we will see where I end up.
This is good. I am smart and capable, and I am responsible for doing what I can for my health. I trust my intuition and am listening to what I need.
sad, fat, sick, and scared. 12/21/2017
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