What Do They Say is Paved With Good Intentions, Again?

DAY ONE.

I am 5'8.  I weigh 218 lbs.  I am considered obese.  I see pictures of myself seated and I am horrified. I am nice and funny and reasonably smart... and fat.

Having spent all of my youth underweight and struggling to keep fat on my bones, I now can't shake it.   Bizarrely, I still think of myself as fairly thin or average, and when I see these photos, I am shocked and dismayed.  I despair at the cute clothes staring at me from my closet, clothes that no longer fit me.

It's a long road, and I know, I know, I know that I have to think of these changes as a lifestyle rather than focusing on it as a weight loss project.   Sure. Fine. Sign me up for a new healthy lifestyle, but can we get to the part where I feel cute in little dresses again?

Hold on. I'm going to call my son in here and ask him to take my picture.  I'm currently slumped over my laptop on a bed, with a gross tshirt on, my hair ends coated in conditioner, greasy-faced and dejected.   There's really no better time for a "before" shot.  You know what I mean.  A real, down and dirty candid like we all hate.

(Note to future self.  I want the "afters" to be fair. I want them candid and by someone else, too. None of this smiling, sucking in your tummy to where your neck looks weird stuff.)

 

(all midsection.)

Again, it's not the end of the world that I'm big now.  My boyfriend does a really good impression of liking my body the way it is, and he also appears to not be a shallow piece of dookie-shit, so that's very nice.  I also don't hate me.  I don't feel like I owe it to anyone to be decorative according to the typical conventions.

However, I know my problematic knees would thank me if I lightened the load a bit.  I know that there's a decent chance that if I'm more careful about my consumption, I could stop having diarrhea every day. (Yeah. You have landed in a corner of the internet where we fail to flinch from reality.)  I would like to feel less pain from my autoimmune/inflammation problems, and I'm aware my diet can aid that, even if it can't take it all away.  Lastly and not fer nuthin', I would like to wear cute fucking dresses and feel like "a girl" sometimes without also feeling like a beach ball. 

These changes are not going to be easy for me, and that's just a fact.  I love food.  I'm social, and it seems like any time people want to get together, the one thing everyone can agree on is going to eat. Cutting gluten out (see, I'm one of those people who is actually medically ordered not to ingest it, fad or not) is fucking hard, even if they do make lots of (gross) alternatives now.  I crave bready things.  I actually love that pasty, chewed up bread texture you get when your teeth mash up a hamburger or pasta or sandwich or donut, because of course I do.  I'm not supposed to have it.  It's killing my intestines. That's how life works.  Wheat has to go; for that matter so do sugar and soda.  Carrying this out will be truly difficult for me.  I am committed to getting serious about the gluten thing, but sugar will be slower to part with.  If I try to do everything all at once, I might as well set a date on the calendar for a BINGE party, because I know me, and that's inevitably coming if I do too much at once.   

I grew up in an abusive, neglectful, rigid, strict, food-rules family... and this is relevant, because it affects my behavior now. When I feel anxious and deprived, I have learned as an adult to console myself with proof that I'm no longer in jail.  I splurge on food, and I enjoy it with a passion many people reserve for their romantic fantasies.  It's a fucking art, the way I savor food.  Particularly "treat" food.  Foods I wouldn't have been allowed or that would have seemed to only show up during some sort of celebration/holiday.  They're so good, and for years I have rewarded myself with them and not had to face a fall-out on the scale.  I don't actually go crazy or anything, but I do turn to it as an emotional coping behavior, and the days where I could do that and stay bony are over.  They've been over for a few years.  The habits have to change.

So.

Okay, I started trying to do things right today.   I resolved to take photos of my food to keep track, and to do little character vignettes to amuse myself about it when I fuck up.   This is what happened.

Here was "breakfast" about ten am.  In bed, because we still don't have our furniture in the new place:

Eat like a bird and the weight will simply fly away!

I ate pretty much only these for a month the last time I lost weight, but that was obviously unhealthy.  It's inoffensive but somehow decently substantial.  I think there's something to be said for the fact that it's all little bits I have to pick up with my fingers and eat in tiny amounts at a time.  Slows me down some.  Plenty of protein.  Fairly high in sugar because of the cranberries, but not as gross as it could be.   Given that I have a hard time eating much in the morning, this is a good, quick, light, and easy breakfast option for me.   I feel okay about it.   It will continue to be great, so long as I can prevent myself from washing it down with a CocaCola.  I drank water today.

This photo of my lunch is hilariously unappetizing, but trust and believe that it was delicious, AND I feel great about how healthy and gluten-free it was.  The Van's gf veggie crackers made me feel like I was getting some sort of bread without it tasting like crispy cardboard.   Tuna salad on greens with tomato and crackers, and the other side has a tiny portion of stir-fried veggies with chicken and turmeric.  It was delicious, and the best part is that I didn't have to make it.  My roommate/best friend said he would cook it up for our lunches at work this week, and I nabbed a couple bites here.  He's amazing. I shall keep him.   

My best "off the top of my butt" guess is that the caloric breakdown goes like this (if you care about this kind of thing):  crackers are 10 a piece and there were approx 8 (80), chicken and veggies (80), tuna salad (200), tomato and greens basically negligible.  So under 400.  I drank some walmart brand peach-infused water that was truly nasty, and I promise never to do that again.  I think it had aspartame.  It was way too sickly sweet, and I hate it forever.

AND THEN:

I took a nap after lunch and snuggled the boyfriend, and when I woke up, we tried to go to the pool.  Apartment complex announced that it would be open by the 1st of May, but they are lying liars who lie, and now there is a sign posted saying not until May 26.   That didn't keep a bunch of college dude-bros and their like-omigod girlfriends from hopping the fence and soaking up some chemically imbalanced water.  We had seen them in there and assumed it was open.  Sadly, we discovered our mistake when we couldn't open the gate and then read the posted sign.  I hope those people thoroughly enjoy their dirty pool ringworm gangrene.  I decided to thoroughly enjoy a Snickers.  And a half glass of fake off-brand Dr Pepper.  Oh, sugar, I can't quit you so abruptly.   (calories: 350)

I'll come edit this in a bit if I eat any dinner. Which I should.  It's only 6:30, and I have decided not to eat after 7:30 going forward.  I think that will help, too.  Eating late at night is just dumb if you're trying to shrink your body down.